So, uhs, I gots a problem. Well, ok a few problems. It’s a regular dog day aftanoon over here, ha ha Mrow! Whewie. If living with the grabby broad who likes to swing me around and call me “cuddle pants” isn’t enough, I now gots to deal with this oaf. Likes to sleep on my side a da bed, in my spot. Doesn’t even leave me my pillow. And just between youse and me, I don’t think this cat is getting a Harvard degree or nothing anytime soon, neither. I mean, he ain't seem to realize that I used to run this town. So bein tha persistant type, I gives him my look. The look I used to give to those no-good alleycats when they were tryin to get some nip for free. Tha look that earned me the nickname “ironjaws kitty cat.” Then I thinks taht will do it, hes gonna recognize me. But ya know what, he didn’t. Sos I's composed a back-up plan. It required a lotta brain powah and even more ingenuity, but I thinks its gonna work.
1. If stare fails, jump into oaf’s face. Try to sit on it. Give a wahning meow that youse are heading in.
2. If the sit does not seem to move the oaf, start to walk on certain parts of his body. Recommendations include the head, the back, and the sweet spot, if ya know what I means. Ha ha mrow!
3. If oaf is still noncompliant with your wishes, use the ol’ lick and breath technique. Lick any parts of tha oaf’s head, especially the eyes. Be sure to eat some tuna beforehand to make sure your breath is particularly ripe. I likes to call it the one two punch, haha, mrow!
4. If the lick and breath does not work, it’s times for tha all nightah. Only use this, I repeat, only use this, if no otha prior techniques ain’t workin. Prepare yourself for eight hours of no sleep. Rotate from jumpin on the bed, knockin things off tables, and meowing.
5. If this ain’t workin, go see a therapist.
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